Megalodon Lives Read online

  Megalodon Lives

  By

  Flash Rex

  November 10, 1992

  The House Committee opened the first day of hearings without the usual public bickering that characterizes most such public spectacles. It is rare that both parties could nearly unanimously agree on anything let alone hearings on a series of incidents that rocked the nation's largest city and its suburbs the previous summer. Months and the Presidential Election had passed since the events occurred and the public was still clamoring for information and some sort of resolution. The United States House of Representatives decided to attempt just that.

  After some preliminary procedural steps, including the swearing in of the first witness, Congressman Carin was ready to begin. "I understand Mr. Fleming is eager to lead off these hearings. The distinguished gentleman of course represents the great state in which the events in question occurred and I yield to the gentleman from New York at this time."

  "Thank you sir." Congressman Fleming cleared his throat. "The people of New York and the entire country demand to know what went on in New York from late May until early July." Fleming turned and gestured to one of his aides. "Before we begin discussing these events with the witness, I would like to enter into the record the witness's journal including all entries from May 29th up to and including the Fourth of July. These entries provide us with an invaluable inside look into the events in question and provide a day by day account of the events."

  "Without objection, so ordered," Congressman Carin declared.

  "I object!" Joseph Bolding stood behind the large table and faced the senatorial semicircle. Many of the Congressmen and women giggled, followed by outright laughter from the packed gallery.

  "You can't object, you're the witness."

  "This is outrageous. I am an attorney and those documents in my diary are my thoughts and impressions of the events and the situation as they affected my client. Therefore, by definition they are privileged as attorney's work product. Many of the excerpts are also protected under the attorney - client privilege."

  Mr. Carin interrupted, "Mr. Bolding. This isn't a TV show." The Congressman paused for some laughter. When it subsided, he continued, "In fact the proceedings today constitute merely a fact-finding endeavor on the part of the United States House of Representatives. Neither you nor anyone else is facing any sort of action as a result of these purely informational hearings."

  "Besides, Mr. Bolding, we've already fought all these battles before and you lost them all. You cannot and will not be allowed to delay the exposure of the truth to the American People. Surely they are entitled to it! The journal is in and I urge everyone to read it! Now let's get on with it!"

  May 23, 1992

  My 25th birthday and another scorcher. The bank clock in town said it was 103 but officially the news said it only got to 99. Mom said it was this hot on the day I was born. Katie and I went over to Mom's and Dad's for a cookout. Mercifully the only gifts I got were cards filled with checks and cash. No returns necessary this year. We had a good time. Unfortunately, I suggested we (Katie and I) head over to the Aquarium for the season opening party that Mr. Burns was throwing.

  The Saturday of Memorial Day weekend was the official opening day of the Hudson Valley Aquarium. Mr. Burns wasn't happy with the first year's results but he was lucky that there were any results at all. Putting an aquarium in a sleepy suburb of New York City like Pearl River was the idea of a lunatic or a genius. In the year that I've been associated with Mr. Burns, I know that he could be a lunatic one moment and a genius the next. It remains to be seen which state he was in when he conceived the idea behind this aquarium.

  I joined my family and some 15,000 of our neighbors at the Grand Opening a year ago today. Virtually the entire town showed up because Burns decided residents of the town would get in free the first day. It was a nice gesture and a shrewd move on Mr. Burns' part. A vocal minority of the town fought tooth and nail against "Burns' Folly". I missed most of the years of whining and complaining while I was away at school but my father regularly sent newspaper articles with the best quotes highlighted for my enjoyment. It was the same big mouths and busy bodies that bitched about everything that ever changed or threatened to change in our town. It was the same people who fought and lost the Great Fried Chicken Franchise invasion in the early '80's. The same people who later loaded their cars up with buckets of extra crispy, extra skin poultry. The same group that we saw scurry through the turnstiles free one year ago.

  Even though Burns won the battle to establish the aquarium, keeping it open has and will continue to be a constant struggle. Daily commuters built Pearl River and the surrounding towns to New York City. These middle class people fled the City to raise their families. They returned to the City not out of nostalgia but out of necessity. Like it or not New York City has remained the economic engine for this entire region. The daily commute, as unpleasant as it can be, serves as a buffer between the City and the home life. To many, the Aquarium is an encroachment of the City into our neighborhood.

  The City attracts tourists. The suburbs are home. The Aquarium is supposed to be a tourist magnet. The Aquarium is in Pearl River. A Pearl River resident who wanted to see something interesting went to the City. Now there was something interesting in Pearl River that outsiders would come to see (or so Mr. Burns hoped). Pearl River did have some experience with visiting crowds. The annual St. Patrick's Day Parade was the second largest in the country behind only New York's (according to hearsay and rumors, but I wouldn't doubt it). The parade has it all - public drunkenness, littering, traffic - but it's only once a year and by now it's a tradition. The large Irish population doesn't hurt either.

  The town also has Fourth of July fireworks and that draws quite a crowd. The crowds for the fireworks are much smaller now because other towns have started having their own fireworks. No one can be anti - Fourth of July fireworks, can they?

  The Aquarium can't really be compared to the Parade and the Fireworks though because the Aquarium is a permanent fixture and not an annual event. Pearl River's only experience with a permanent drawing card is a strip of bars right in the business district. While every town may have its bars, Pearl River's was caught in a relatively unique position a few years ago. New Jersey changed its drinking age to 21 a couple of years before New York. Pearl River, situated right on the New York/New Jersey border, became a popular hangout for drunken Jersey kids. Locals started referring to the strip as "Dodge City" because of the rowdiness. The perception was that outsiders came to our little town and violated it. People don't call it "Dodge City" anymore even though it is probably as rowdy now as ever. Might it have something to do with the fact that our neighbors are now the rowdy rascals? Draw your own conclusions.

  So while Burn's only faced a little local opposition, he had virtually no local support. Burns' only true supporters were his will and his wallet. While that may been trouble for some, for Burns, it was all he needed - for a start at least.

  I don't know where Burns made his initial money. Whether he earned it himself or inherited it, I have no idea. He's never mentioned anything about a family. He is originally from Texas and that leads me to believe he had some dealings in the oil business. But, one day I was driving with Mr. Burns and I pulled into a Citgo to get gas. Mr. Burns told me to keep going or I would be fired. As we passed the gas station he rolled down his window and flipped the station the bird.

  I learned early on that Burns loved a smartass as long as you were on his wavelength. It's good for me that I'm on his wavelength. Burns hates butt kissers and incompetents. He'll put up with mistakes as long as he could see himself making the same one. Burns loves sharp and creative thinkers. He puts common sense above all else including actual experience or k
nowledge. Zaller and Grimshaw never figured Burns out.

  Grimshaw and Zaller are both smart guys but each is missing something and Burns knew it. Grimshaw went to law school in California and worked in the City for one of the big firms for a few years before starting his own firm. How he was able to accomplish each of those feats without a lick of common sense is beyond me.

  I first met Grimshaw one year ago at the opening of the aquarium. Jimmy and I were pushing and elbowing each other good-naturedly on our way out of the Aquarium. Mom, Dad, and Katie were all laughing about something my father said. He was telling a story about how my brother Jimmy and I would pretend to get into a fistfight and shock our busybody neighbors. We would stage a fight scene out of a Rocky movie. The horrified neighbors would call my parents. My parents would come out and find us laughing without a scratch on us.

  That story gave me an idea. Jimmy and I were coming upon a small set of stairs leading down to the parking lot. The stairs were small enough that there were no railings. I saw a group of important looking men in business suits coming towards us from the parking lot.

  "Jimmy, why don't you pretend to fall down the stairs in front of these guys and we'll see if they do anything?" I was always more of the idea guy than the actual actor.

  "How hurt should I be?"

  "A lot of pain but no permanent damage. I don't want them calling for paramedics. All right?"

  "Why am I doing it anyway?"

  "You have to do it because you're still a kid. If I do it they'll have me committed."

  "So what are you going to do while I'm making an ass out of myself on the grass?"

  Since I had graduated from Wake Forest University School of Law less than a week earlier, my decision was clear. "I'll be your shocked and outraged attorney."

  With that, Jimmy fell off the stairs onto the grass, grabbed his right ankle and cried out. "My God!" I yelled, like I had just witnessed an assassination. The men in suits were still ten yards away when they looked up to see my brother rolling around on the grass in obvious agony. One of the men didn't have a bewildered look in his eyes. This one looked annoyed, and he was the first one to reach us.

  "What's going on here?" He demanded. A smaller man stepped in front of the annoyed man.

  "Mr. Burns, let me handle this. I'm Rod Grimshaw, Mr. Burns' attorney." Jimmy rolled over with his back to Grimshaw. Jimmy was still holding his ankle and trying not to laugh. Jimmy's not a current events specialist and he didn't realize who Mr. Burns was, but the rest of us did. I didn't think the situation was so funny anymore. I nearly started to tell Burns and Grimshaw that we were only kidding, but I didn't.

  "Perhaps you could explain why these dangerous stairs have no rails or banisters."

  "'Dangerous'? There's only three steps." Grimshaw made a sweeping gesture with his right hand. "There is no danger here."

  "Then why is my brother lying on the grass in pain? This is the first day you're open and already the customers are sprawled out, injured on the lawn. These stairs are a hazard, pure and simple. The failure to install a railing here constitutes an outrageous degree of negligence on your part!"

  "You sound like a lawyer." Grimshaw commented sarcastically.

  "I am a lawyer," I lied,” and so is my father (true) and my sister (false)." I gestured to my family, who were standing and watching. Even Jimmy eased up on his act and was paying attention.

  Grimshaw became more serious. "Perhaps we could resolve this situation here and now." Burns turned and looked at Grimshaw.

  "Well I guess that all depends, doesn't it?" I shrugged.

  "Would your brother feel better with a free pass?" Grimshaw looked at Jimmy like he was a ten year old rather than a college freshman. "It would be good for the entire season."

  "He'd probably feel better if my whole family got free passes."

  Burns shook his head as he interrupted. He put his arm around my shoulder. "May we have a word in private?"

  "Sure," I shrugged again.

  He steered me past Jimmy, who was still on the grass. "You can get up now,” he said to Jimmy, loud enough for everyone to hear. Jimmy smiled and stood up, brushing himself off.

  "It's a miracle," I smiled, but I felt a dread coming over me like I was about to be scolded in front of my classmates.

  Once we were out of earshot of the rest of the group, we stopped and Burns asked, "Are you really a lawyer?"

  "Not yet. Look Mr. Burns we were just kidding around. I didn't realize it was you. We're sorry."

  "What do you mean, 'not yet'?"

  "Well I just graduated from Wake Forest University School of Law two weeks ago. I won't take the bar exam for another six weeks."

  “Are you from here? Pearl River?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “You know the town?”

  “Yes I do.”

  "Do you have a job?"

  "No."

  "How long until you find out whether you passed?"

  "I'll find out in November."

  "When you pass the bar, give me a call. I want you to work for me."

  "I may regret asking but why would you want me? You don't even know my name."

  "You’ve got balls and you’re from this town. I could use someone with those two qualities to help me get this disaster off the ground," Burns gestured to the Aquarium. "Of course, I don't care what your name is until you pass the bar."

  When I learned I passed the bar, I called Mr. Burns and he hired me as an advisor. Burns basically just wanted me to offer my opinions whenever he asked. I advised him on everything from legal questions to Pearl River's residents to the concerns of "young people." Before I assumed the role of advisor, Burns relied on Grimshaw. Grimshaw was a brilliant attorney - on Burns' tax situation - but Grimshaw's expertise was limited to taxes. Grimshaw saved Burns millions of dollars, but his ideas couldn't generate a nickel. Under Grimshaw, the Aquarium was able to sustain itself but just barely. The long term plan was to make the Aquarium a year round attraction to support a hotel that Burns planned on an adjacent vacant property. I suspected the only interest in the Aquarium in its first year was curiosity. Unfortunately, curiosity only drew people in once. The Aquarium was dull. People lost interest as the summer ran its course. Even Burns' harshest critics stopped bashing his ludicrous 'suburban aquarium.' No one was interested in Burns' Folly.

  The main problem was the exhibits. When starting the Aquarium, Burns went out and got the best marine biologist he could, Marcel Zaller. Zaller knows everything about marine animals, but he has a flaw that I figured Burns would find fatal. Zaller is the most negative, pessimistic person I have ever met. We can't do this. We can't do that. Burns ignores Zaller most of the time, but I assume he'd replace Zaller in a second if he could find someone who knew more than Zaller.

  Zaller's favorite exhibit is the Emperor penguin habitat. He spent a few weeks in Antarctica years ago living with the penguins. Penguin Island was the aquarium's most popular attraction last year, which is not a good sign. Burns has reached the point where he loathes the damn penguins. The problem is money. While the penguins draw some customers, they consume a huge portion of the aquarium's budget. There are only twenty or so penguins and they don't eat that much. What they do have is a health care plan that humans would kill for. Zaller has spent shocking amounts of money on treatment for sick penguins. Now I can't tell a sick penguin from a healthy one (or a healthy penguin from a dead penguin for that matter) but Zaller has spent so much time with them and their wild brothers and sisters, he takes medical action whenever one has a cold or whatever the penguin equivalent is.

  Burns told Zaller to cut back on the penguin pharmacy. Zaller was of course outraged, but he cut down on the drugs. Zaller said he would concentrate more on the preventative side, which sounded good to Burns. It sounded good to Burns until Zaller's prevention methods nearly doubled the energy consumption of the Aquarium. Zaller lowered the temperature in Penguin Island so that the temperature remained more Antarctica-like. Basica
lly, the air conditioner was on twenty-four hours a day. Of course, constant operation of the air conditioner also increased the maintenance costs. Things may reach a head this week with the temperatures in the upper-nineties. I think Burns would rather set the penguins free in the Hudson River than pay all this money for them. Zaller would probably jump in with them and lead them to Antarctica.

  I wasn't all that crazy about going to today's season opening party. When we pulled into the parking lot I realized that no one else was all that crazy about showing up for the season opening either. It looked more like an average day from last summer than the new beginning it was supposed to be. Why would people show up today? It's the same crappy Aquarium that was here last year.

  Grimshaw was the first to greet Katie and I. "Burns isn't happy and he wants to see us in his office. Now."

  "You know, it feels like a party here today." Katie shook her head and walked out towards the exhibits.

  "Maybe they're throwing a surprise party in there for me!" I called after her but she didn't react so I followed that weasel Grimshaw to Burns' office. Well, there was no surprise for me but Burns did wish me a happy birthday. Zaller and Grimshaw mumbled similar sentiments. I could feel the love in the room. As usual, Burns sat behind his desk while the three of us sat in the three chairs across from him.

  "Does anyone see anything wrong today?" Burns began. I looked at the other two who had their heads down. I raised my hand. "Yes, Mr. Bolding."

  "We have no customers."

  "Very good. Now why are there no customers? Mr. Grimshaw perhaps you could tell us."

  "Well today is very hot and a lot of people..." Burns cut off Grimshaw's blabbering. "It's going to be hot all summer! Are you telling me we won't have any customers all summer?"

  "No, it's just that..."

  "I don't want to hear it. We need a solution and we need it now. Any ideas Zaller?" Zaller didn't respond but he looked like he was really thinking hard now. "I guess not. Maybe if you asked the penguins if they had a solution we'd make some progress!"